Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
