saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
