You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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