Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
