It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
