my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
