Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
