I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
there is glitter all over my balls
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