i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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