Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
