I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
