And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
