You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
