When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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