fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I stole a fireplace last night.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
