Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
