Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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