obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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