I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
