I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
