he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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