I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
