Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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