its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
