Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
