loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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