At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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