You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
