all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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