Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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