i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
