Jerry, you need to find god
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
