hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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