Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
