I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
