He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
