I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
