I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
