Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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