Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
