They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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