If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
