I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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