it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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