He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
