We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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