Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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