I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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