Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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