If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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