Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
